Taking Back Control

L.G.

Contributor | My Own Words

I grew up in a placement centre in Romania. It was basically an orphanage. My parents both died when I was a baby, but I don’t know the full story. The sister of the person who gave birth to me took care of me until I was one and a half years old. She was not able to look after me after that. I then stayed in the placement centre until I turned 18. 

Because of communism it wasn’t an easy life for us. I was left-handed as a kid but they forced me to be right-handed. They wanted everybody to be the same. The same clothing. Everything the same. It was not a pleasant thing, but as a kid we didn’t understand.

The adult caretakers didn’t have patience to care for us because there were too many girls to look after. They were mean to us and beat us so hard. We became very scared to talk or say what we think. I was scared a lot as a child. I was always frightened. I wouldn’t be able to talk. Only God helped me to forgot and be able to move on. 

As a girl, to get away I used to climb up in the trees and stay there as long as I could until it was dinner time. All the adults would call my name. Nobody knew I was up there. The caretakers asked me where I was hiding. I told them I didn’t want them to know my secret. They said they needed to know where I was going during the day. I asked them to please not come after me because it was my favourite spot and I wanted to be alone. I finally told them I was hiding in a tree. They laughed. I didn’t hide in the tree anymore after that. 

“Getting a job meant that nobody else would have control over my life anymore. ”

If I would go out to go to the bathroom after doing my schoolwork for many hours, some of the workers would tell me I couldn’t go back to class otherwise they would beat me. And if I didn’t listen they would really beat me. We just got so scared that you have to do what they say. They didn’t hurt us all the time because some of the older girls would look after us. 

There were people who visited us from America and spent time with us. They got to know us. It wasn’t really Romanian people who made a big difference to us. They were just the workers. It was the Americans who took an interest in us and gave us some emotional support.

After 18 years of not being able to have a normal education and being stuck in the system it had a huge impact when I left. I was terrified of guys. I was scared of men until about the age of 23 until I realized I had to look after myself. Getting a job meant that nobody else would have control over my life anymore. 

Several years ago I had a friend that asked me to go over to England to work with children. I had no experience with kids and had no idea what I would do with them. But being able to improve my life would be a big thing for me. In a way I was going to become more human by going to England and experiencing a new culture. No more being scared. 

But something happened during my first year in England that I don’t really want to discuss. But the doctors said I wouldn’t be able to talk Romanian again after the incident. But with therapy I was able to recover and could talk Romanian again. There is a lot of stuff I don’t remember, but some things I do. The doctors said I tried to put it in the back of my mind and block it out. It’s better that I forgot a lot of stuff. To be honest, the struggles are still there but I’m now able to move on. 

Now that I’ve worked with children I’ve noticed that discipline has almost gone the complete other way with some kids. They have too much liberty today. It can almost be disrespectful in a way. But back when I was a kid, we would get beaten for every small thing. It’s almost like it’s gone too far the other way now. They get away with too much. I don’t know where the middle ground is.

Because of my time in the orphanage, I think I better understand the needs and feelings of the kids I work with now. I can relate to their experience and help them through their challenges.